hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
