Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize