I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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