every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
