i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
