Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
