Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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