remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
