Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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