Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
