This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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