You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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