i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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