The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
