I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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