Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
A+ Viking dick
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
