Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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