Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
