when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
