what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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