I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
it wasn't lemon gatorade
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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