I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
