I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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