Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
