My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My ass is underappreciated
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
