remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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