i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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