Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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