He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
