I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
