Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My dick has a subreddit
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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