I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
