I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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