Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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