sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Randomize
