im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
