Do you still have your period?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
