nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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