I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
