we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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