she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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