I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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