So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
