you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
