NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
