Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i love accidental penises.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
