Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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