The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
