you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
