May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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