Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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