I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
