First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
