Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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