By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
