We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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