Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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