the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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