I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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