how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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