I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
This is my gift to your gina
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
