You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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